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AT THE END OF A
RELATIONSHIP
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Dr. J.
Gottman and colleagues at the University of Washington
(1993) have found that there are four specific signs of
deterioration of an intimate relationship:
Criticism - Instead of merely complaining, the person
attacks and blames their partner's personality and/or
character such as "you are a selfish uncaring person".
Contempt - Feedback with the intent to insult and/or
psychologically abuse the partner, such as "you are more
than stupid, a total idiot ".
Defensiveness - Not being willing to listen to anything
your partner has to say to you, out of fear of them
hurting or attacking you.
Stonewalling - Ignoring, avoiding and distancing from
your partner.
Dr. H. Markman and Dr. S. Stanley at the University of
Colorado (1988) have also identified four warning signs
of deterioration:
Escalation of negativity during the couples' interaction
- An increase in complaining and criticism.
Invalidation of each other - Not making attempts to
understand each other's points of view.
Negative interpretation of neutral or positive events -
One person does or says something which is clearly meant
to be neutral or even positive, but their partner
interprets their intentions as being hostile or negative.
Avoidance and withdrawal from partner.
Feelings at the end of a Relationship
You've done everything you can. But you've finally
realised that it's time to end your relationship. You
may well be trying to leave someone whom you've loved
dearly and dreamt big dreams with. It hurts and you feel
like it’s the end of the world. You cry, you are numb
and feel stupid thinking of all the wasted time you put
into your “perfect” love match. You wonder if you could
have done anything differently?
You might be afraid of being lonely, and that you will
never have another relationship. If you have been
married a long time, you may feel ashamed and do not
want friends and neighbours to know.
The following are common, normal feelings often
experienced when a relationship ends. There is no right
or wrong feeling to have - we each react to the end of a
relationship in our own unique way.
Denial - We can't believe that this is happening to us.
We can't believe that the relationship is over.
Anger - We are angry at our partner or lover for shaking
our world to its core.
Fear - We are frightened by the intensity of our
feelings. We are frightened that we may never love or be
loved again. We are frightened that we may never survive
our loss. But we will.
Self-blame - We blame ourselves for what went wrong and
replay our relationship over and over, saying to
ourselves, "If only I had done this. If only I had done
that".
Sadness - We cry for we have suffered a great loss.
Guilt - We feel guilty particularly if we choose to end
a relationship. We don't want to hurt our partner. Yet
we don't want to stay in a lifeless relationship.
Disorientation and confusion - We don't know who or
where we are anymore. Our familiar world has been
shattered.
Hope - Initially we may fantasize that there will be a
reconciliation, that the parting is only temporary, that
our partner will come back to us. As we heal and accept
the reality of the ending, we may dare to hope for a
newer and better world for ourselves.
Bargaining - We plead with our partner to give us a
chance. "Don't go", we say. "I'll change this and I'll
change that if only you'll stay".
Relief - We can be relieved that there is an ending to
the pain, the fighting, the lifelessness of the
relationship.
If your relationship has broken down then the following
tips will help you:
Move on with your life.
It's over so accept it.
You may have known that the relationship wasn’t right
for a while and yet you are likely to feel a sense of
shock at its ending.
You need time to come to terms with what has happened
and you may find yourself dreaming getting back together
again. The sooner you accept your relationship is truly
over the sooner you can get your life back on track.
A relationship not working out is rarely about blaming
or there being anything wrong with either you or your
partner. It's just that the two of you are not
compatible.
Sometimes it hurts so much that the only thing the other
person knows how to do is to try and hurt you back. That
comes in the form mostly of verbal or emotional abuse.
You'll question whether it was the right thing to do.
You'll hurt because you'll think that what they've said
or done is true. Try to remember that they are only
trying to hurt you because they feel so hurt inside
themselves.
When it's over, it's over. After virtually any length of
intimate relationship you're going to yearn to get back
together afterwards, even if you're the person that
ended the relationship and you knew it was 100% the
right decision. This is normal and natural.
Getting back together after a few days or weeks, just
for old times sake, is generally just another way of
extending the pain of a break up. It's motivated by
sadness or loneliness and is rarely a good idea. Try to
avoid doing this, you only hurt your partner more.
Mehtap Tamer Psychologist
www.yasamatolyesi.biz
mehtap.tamer@yasamatolyesi.biz |
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